He was born on the 25th of November 1985 at 9pm, and although I wasn't there yet my family just knew that this bundle of joy was destined for great things! He came into this world with his hands rolled up into fists as if he was guarding something special in those tiny hands! And indeed he was!
He was to be a lover of beautiful things, a lover of words, a lover of music ( good music I might add) but most importantly he was to be the love n joy of our family n hence the name Ntokozo! The Lord blessed this soul with maturity, wisdom n intelligence that marvels me each time he drops one of his sarcastic lines... As a child I knew no one but my brother! He was the person who fetched me from pre school and was the name I'd scream when I needed him! And he was always there, even now when I scream for help he hEeds the call and no matter how far he is he rescues me just like he did when I was 3! I thought I'd pay tribute to this great man who has changed ma life in ways he can't begin to imagine! He is loving, gentle, kind, amazing, caring,and a pillar of strength! I have never seen someone so selfless and giving! My big brother might not know this but I appreciate him, and love him with affection so deep that words won't begin to describe what my heart feels in its depth! I just want to say thank u for being the best big brother anyone could ever ask for!
Ps: you are a beautiful soul and I plan on making u so proud! I love u!
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Deflated spirit!
I dedicate this 2 everyone... Cause we all know we feel like this sometimes; I don't care how awesome you think you are!
My cheeks burn fr0m the h0t,salted water fl0wing fr0m the wind0ws t0 my s0ul. My visage,a picture painted with pain. My heart giving in with every beat. My mask quickly disappearing and my time f0r shrift c0ming near with each questi0n bringing fear. Trials nd tribulati0ns,that which even intercessi0n w0n't clear. My faith slipping thr0ugh my fingerz like grains of rice. My faith that sh0uld m0ve m0untains can't even m0ve a m0le-hill. Instead of faith, i maintain the ch0ler,they gyves that tie me down. But y0u shall never see this 'cause i jest ar0und. While my heart p0unds...with pr0r0gued f0rgiveness. And my chastity fading with each smile and woe creeping in like the sunset. And u will find me a 0nce valiant s0ldier lying on the gr0und wit n0 val0r left....
My cheeks burn fr0m the h0t,salted water fl0wing fr0m the wind0ws t0 my s0ul. My visage,a picture painted with pain. My heart giving in with every beat. My mask quickly disappearing and my time f0r shrift c0ming near with each questi0n bringing fear. Trials nd tribulati0ns,that which even intercessi0n w0n't clear. My faith slipping thr0ugh my fingerz like grains of rice. My faith that sh0uld m0ve m0untains can't even m0ve a m0le-hill. Instead of faith, i maintain the ch0ler,they gyves that tie me down. But y0u shall never see this 'cause i jest ar0und. While my heart p0unds...with pr0r0gued f0rgiveness. And my chastity fading with each smile and woe creeping in like the sunset. And u will find me a 0nce valiant s0ldier lying on the gr0und wit n0 val0r left....
Monday, 2 January 2012
Big heart syndrome
Having a big heart SUCKS! Yes I know this cause I also suffer 4rm this disease of adulation! There are people out there who just don't care, u could fall off the edge of a cliff and they wouldn't even blink twice! Why is it then that I care so much? One of my friends told me that this big heart of mine is the reason why people take advantage of me, I admit it hurt to hear those words but then again she was being a true friend and only helping me out! I've always had a problem of being too empathetic, I can't help but make someone's problem my own! I'll do a somersault and a back flip 2 help a friend in need! The only problem is majority of the time when I'm in the darkest hour only a few of the buddies are ever there for me! I think this problem starts when you become so attached to people that you put them on a pedestal that they will not live up to.. And when we realize this our big hearts have mini heart attacks which oftens smashes us! I'm not saying caring is a bad thing don't get me wrong but sometimes we tend to let the people that don't deserve us so much power to hurt us! This is a hard lesson I learnt in the previous year, sometimes the people we love don't love us as much as we do! And that is where toxic relationships come from, these people take advantage of you and then they come back and act as if nothing happened and that's because you and your big heart have forgiven and forgetten! I'm not saying forgiving someone for what they have done to you is a bad thing but let's b realistic here... You don't just forget how someone screwed you over(it hurts like hell) and that crack will always be there in your beautiful friendship vase! But because of your big heart once again let that person in! I had a friend once who drained the living daylights out of me! It was always about her and never anyone else! I felt like I was her servant at all times! This one time we had a falling out( and they happened a lot) and she called my friendship( and I qoute) "a cheap condom" on a social network! She went on and on and even sweared at me! We agreed that we weren't meant to be together so our friendship ended ( that's what I thought.... But not for long). But the following year when we returned to school something had happened concerning her, and the first person my other friend called was me to help her out! I was so angry but I found myself walking to her room, and getting her out of there and into class! I cried after that cause I couldn't believe how I had helped her although she had said my friendship was like a cheap condom! After that I chose to forgive myself and then her! For me that was toxic and at times I blamed myself, but we need 2 remember that although we have big hearts they r not there to be abused!
Ps: "Love the ppl who treat u right, forget about the ones who don't, & believe that everything happens for a reason."
So if someone wants 2 leave let them go, them going doesn't define you...
Ps: "Love the ppl who treat u right, forget about the ones who don't, & believe that everything happens for a reason."
So if someone wants 2 leave let them go, them going doesn't define you...
Sunday, 11 December 2011
"Why do we love Love,when it seems to hate us?"
For a while I was "Robot Girl", I had no feelings and I never allowed myself to care unless it was for family and friends! This was because I had seen with people around me that Love doesn't really love us back, and naturally I had a fear of this drug that everyone seemed hooked on!
Oh but then I met a dealer(lol yes You!),he got me hooked and fast! It quite amazing how when you into someone they became your vocabulary,I'm sure my friends were so tired of me!
In the midst of a high I wrote this:
UNTITLED
U cripple ma thoughts n make them sit down n think about u!
U tempt me with ur words n dangle ur soul in front me!
Uve creeped in2 ma speech n become ma vocabulary.....
U speak 2 da depth of me with ur silence...ur thoughts locked away n I can't hear a thing!
Just when I died coz I thot IT didn't exist u revived me with ur magic dust turned lust in2 like
U didn't consult me coz u knew I wudnt budge
So u walked all ova ma soul n left ur footprints!
N by this I've become ur slave n u ma Master whose cane caresses my body as i falls in2 da trance dat is U!
I feel da sudden urge 2 open ma eyes N come 2 realize dat ure a dream
A dream I wna live n love bt dat u r also da forbidden fruit I've bEen warned abt but eaten all da same!
I can't help dat uve entered ma mouth n awakened these old taste buds!
When I wrote this I was still on a crazy buzz,all I could do was think about this person, and looking back it wasn't good for me! Sometimes you want something or in this case someone but its not for you! When we realize this we fall fast from the good feeling and then the withdrwal symptoms come! Any ex-junkie will tell you how hard it is to let go of something that once made u feel good(and I mean damn good,you feel me?)...
So to my fellow users of love who have fallen from the high;it's not the end of the world hey(although it seems like that for a while). I think as people we look for affection in other people but what we need to realize is that you have to love yourself first before you can love another person! And that's why when we don't have that love for ourselves and people we loved leave; we feel like Love doesn't love us and that our worlds have ended!
Hahahaha... That's my 2 cents!
Oh but then I met a dealer(lol yes You!),he got me hooked and fast! It quite amazing how when you into someone they became your vocabulary,I'm sure my friends were so tired of me!
In the midst of a high I wrote this:
UNTITLED
U cripple ma thoughts n make them sit down n think about u!
U tempt me with ur words n dangle ur soul in front me!
Uve creeped in2 ma speech n become ma vocabulary.....
U speak 2 da depth of me with ur silence...ur thoughts locked away n I can't hear a thing!
Just when I died coz I thot IT didn't exist u revived me with ur magic dust turned lust in2 like
U didn't consult me coz u knew I wudnt budge
So u walked all ova ma soul n left ur footprints!
N by this I've become ur slave n u ma Master whose cane caresses my body as i falls in2 da trance dat is U!
I feel da sudden urge 2 open ma eyes N come 2 realize dat ure a dream
A dream I wna live n love bt dat u r also da forbidden fruit I've bEen warned abt but eaten all da same!
I can't help dat uve entered ma mouth n awakened these old taste buds!
When I wrote this I was still on a crazy buzz,all I could do was think about this person, and looking back it wasn't good for me! Sometimes you want something or in this case someone but its not for you! When we realize this we fall fast from the good feeling and then the withdrwal symptoms come! Any ex-junkie will tell you how hard it is to let go of something that once made u feel good(and I mean damn good,you feel me?)...
So to my fellow users of love who have fallen from the high;it's not the end of the world hey(although it seems like that for a while). I think as people we look for affection in other people but what we need to realize is that you have to love yourself first before you can love another person! And that's why when we don't have that love for ourselves and people we loved leave; we feel like Love doesn't love us and that our worlds have ended!
Hahahaha... That's my 2 cents!
My first love!
I don't normally do this but thought I'd share something that is very personal , and that is my poetry!
The piece I'm about to share is something I wrote for all the ladies, we go through so much but we still carry on smiling!
This is for all my girls, with love ♥
And then there's her...
She sits woven in the fabrics of what she thought was good material
Her head wrapped around ideals that seemed concrete
Grounded in her full hips,thick lips,the roundness of her body...grounded in things she didn't have and was reminded by
Every man.
She doesn't know how to feel
She even questions if she ever felt anything
Does she even know what feeling is?
Once again she is fading... Into the great depression
Once again she has gone missing...without a trace
Her color seems invisible in the fabrics of life
Once again she becames a cold case to be locked away for decades
And she's trying to find herself in your eyes,your words,your thoughts... But she see's Maria
She see's what you say she is
Her real being consumed by your gossip,your comments, your stares
Her real being consumed by YOU!
And then there's her..
She sits woven in pain,her scars far more than physical
Mourns a baby she never got to have
Her exterior seemingly happy but her interior not speaking the same language
Her interior with holes from bullet wounds
Bullet wounds from the gun she constantly shoots herself with
And then there's her...
Now she sits woven in the same pain
Mourns a baby she treasured but never got to see
A baby that vanished right before her eyes
She's in what seems the darkest and longest hour
She's trying to find herself in your love
Is it even there?
In your comfort,in your thoughts and in your arms...so are they open?
And then there's her...
She never knew love
Crippled by the lack of touch
She tried to find herself in you but couldn't relate to the reflection in your eyes
But believed the false image in his!
She pushed to the limit by your oppression
Altered by your dissection
Cut open and left open... Vulnerable!
See how deep your blade cuts?!
Ps: ladies let us empower each other beacuse although we might not know it; we go through the same experiences! So let's be a shoulder 2 cry on for our fellow sisters! Let's bulid our sisterhood! ♥
The piece I'm about to share is something I wrote for all the ladies, we go through so much but we still carry on smiling!
This is for all my girls, with love ♥
And then there's her...
She sits woven in the fabrics of what she thought was good material
Her head wrapped around ideals that seemed concrete
Grounded in her full hips,thick lips,the roundness of her body...grounded in things she didn't have and was reminded by
Every man.
She doesn't know how to feel
She even questions if she ever felt anything
Does she even know what feeling is?
Once again she is fading... Into the great depression
Once again she has gone missing...without a trace
Her color seems invisible in the fabrics of life
Once again she becames a cold case to be locked away for decades
And she's trying to find herself in your eyes,your words,your thoughts... But she see's Maria
She see's what you say she is
Her real being consumed by your gossip,your comments, your stares
Her real being consumed by YOU!
And then there's her..
She sits woven in pain,her scars far more than physical
Mourns a baby she never got to have
Her exterior seemingly happy but her interior not speaking the same language
Her interior with holes from bullet wounds
Bullet wounds from the gun she constantly shoots herself with
And then there's her...
Now she sits woven in the same pain
Mourns a baby she treasured but never got to see
A baby that vanished right before her eyes
She's in what seems the darkest and longest hour
She's trying to find herself in your love
Is it even there?
In your comfort,in your thoughts and in your arms...so are they open?
And then there's her...
She never knew love
Crippled by the lack of touch
She tried to find herself in you but couldn't relate to the reflection in your eyes
But believed the false image in his!
She pushed to the limit by your oppression
Altered by your dissection
Cut open and left open... Vulnerable!
See how deep your blade cuts?!
Ps: ladies let us empower each other beacuse although we might not know it; we go through the same experiences! So let's be a shoulder 2 cry on for our fellow sisters! Let's bulid our sisterhood! ♥
Black Consciousness.
I always say I will never accept being discriminated because of the colour of my skin or the fact that I'm female,because I believe that you should be seen as an individual. Race is something that is a very touchy subject in our country and most people use the phrase : "its because I'm black", and that's beacuse most people view being black as something negative! And this Is due to the apartheid era in our country,where black people were made to feel less human n more like animals, and using the dark word "black" to describe Africans!
But I'm calling on all black people to use the term "black" in the way they see fit and the way Black
Consciousness intended!
This reminds of a poem that is very close to my heart n that a strong BLACK(yes I just wrote that in an uppercase cause I believe that we were never the lower case, they feared us beacuse we were great):
SISTERS
I see the wisdom of eternities
in ample thighs
belying their presence as adornments
to the temples of my sisters
old souls breath
in the comfort of chocolate thickness
that suffocates Africa’s angels
who dance to the rhythm of the universe’s womb
though they cannot feel its origins in their veins
Blessed am I to be love in the temple of my own skin
my nappy centre kisses the sun
in a harmony divine
devoid of the ugly that does not know this as God
but the sons of oppression
never gave sisters
loaves to feed the hungry fury in their bellies
nor did they teach them to fish for spirit
So I pray
to the voices that whisper in my soft curves
for the lionesses of my blood
to hear the songs of the cool reeds
to feel the green blood beat of cataclysm on their breasts
and to know the embrace of freedom
in nourishing silences
where their radiant ebony vessels
are reflections of their souls
By: lebo mashile
So with this I say VIVA being BLACK VIVA, let's not bleach our skin, let's not talk like america's but let's be proud to be who we are!
But I'm calling on all black people to use the term "black" in the way they see fit and the way Black
Consciousness intended!
This reminds of a poem that is very close to my heart n that a strong BLACK(yes I just wrote that in an uppercase cause I believe that we were never the lower case, they feared us beacuse we were great):
SISTERS
I see the wisdom of eternities
in ample thighs
belying their presence as adornments
to the temples of my sisters
old souls breath
in the comfort of chocolate thickness
that suffocates Africa’s angels
who dance to the rhythm of the universe’s womb
though they cannot feel its origins in their veins
Blessed am I to be love in the temple of my own skin
my nappy centre kisses the sun
in a harmony divine
devoid of the ugly that does not know this as God
but the sons of oppression
never gave sisters
loaves to feed the hungry fury in their bellies
nor did they teach them to fish for spirit
So I pray
to the voices that whisper in my soft curves
for the lionesses of my blood
to hear the songs of the cool reeds
to feel the green blood beat of cataclysm on their breasts
and to know the embrace of freedom
in nourishing silences
where their radiant ebony vessels
are reflections of their souls
By: lebo mashile
So with this I say VIVA being BLACK VIVA, let's not bleach our skin, let's not talk like america's but let's be proud to be who we are!
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